I don't even know where to start. My life has been this way for over 19 years now. So do I start at the beginning, where I should have ran as fast as I could? Or do I start with what is going on now?

Too many days I go through life wondering what it would be like to have a normal life. I know, a normal life is unheard of and what does that exactly consist of. I don't know the answers to that for everyone else, but I know a normal life for me would be to not have a drug addict as a husband.

You see I have been married now for 17 years to my husband. He is wonderful in so many ways. He provides well for our family, which consists of three kids and two dogs. But he is lacking strength in the addiction department. He has a cocaine problem and consistantly is missing for anywhere from 12 - 24 hours on any given week. Since I cannot seem to make him stop, nor can any therapist or drug addiction group, I must lock him out when he is using. I don't want him near my children or me. Basically he disgusts me during that time. All other times we get along great...for the most part.

There are many times his mood gets increasingly bad, sometimes violent. Although I have never been hit by him, he is agressive and threatening. Do I fear for my life? No, because I know if he ever did hit me, I will hit back. Yeah, sounds crazy but I will defend myself if need be.

Now you ask, why do you stay with him? Simple reason, I love him and I want to help him. No, I am not one of those women who cannot be without a man and feels helpless. Other than the drugs, we have a great marriage and family. If I left, nothing would change, other than the living arrangements and becoming yet another statistic. Yes, I am already a statistic because someone out there is analyzing anything and everything, but divorce is not the answer...at least not right now.

Our kids are very important to me, as well as my husband. We strive to make their lives better than ours ever were. I shield them as much as possible to his addiction, but I swear my older son who is 17 knows something is up. Since I have always been the main caregiver, they don't notice when he is missing. In fact because of his usual foul moods, I don't think they miss him at all. It's a shame that he doesn't even realize this.

I can't even believe I have written this much so far, I have a lot more to say, but it is best if I end this for now. My only hope is that someone will continue to read this and learn and maybe someone can help me get through this.